Saturday April the 30th
Apparently big Willie Windsor, now to be addressed as the Duke of Cambridge (and I'm tugging my lovely forelocks as I type this) is to return to work this week. Return to work? What work? And there's me thinking that he signed on to claim JSA at the local benefits office.
It was good to see young snooker prodigy Judd Trump win his semi-final 17-15 against Ding Junhui. Can Trump triumph in the final? If he beats John Higgins, I for one will be blowing Trump's trumpet.
It was equally good to see the mighty Leinster overcome the equally formidable Toulouse in their Heineken European Cup semi-final. Brian O'Driscoll was supposed to be attending the royal weeding yesterday, but fortunately for him, he had something infinitely more important to prepare for.
Meanwhile at the bridge, Tottensham's season of promise petered out as they surrendered a one-nil lead to lose two-one to Chelsea. Yes, the latter scored two dubious goals, but if the visitors had shown more attacking intent, then they would not have placed themselves in the perilous situation of having to defend and worst of all rely upon their erratic goalkeeper, Heurelho Gomes. After hitting the heights, albeit briefly, against the two giants of Milan, one would have expected the has-beens of Tottensham to bust a gut in their endeavour to return to Europe's premier club competition. As it is, the filthy rich and filthy boring Manchester Wannabees are almost certain to be flying the flag for Manchester at next season's Champions League. Tomorrow, Manchester Wannabees ought to take care of little Wet Sham who are currently languishing at the foot of the English Premiership. As the Hammers prepare to bid farewell to the top flight, they will be trading places with another London club, as Queen's Park Rangers make a long overdue return to the elite league. With the charming Neil Warnock in charge, QPR will be 'worth watching' next year.
I received 1 text; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to no people today. And so to bed.
Sunday May the 1st
It appears that one of crazy Colonel Gaddafi's sons has been killed by an air strike. This is the high price one pays for having a lunatic tyrant for a father.
On the subject of lunatic tyrants, Sir Alex Ferguson's little team succumbed one-nil to the once-mighty Arse-nil. This defeat blows the Premiership race wide open, allowing a previously written-off Chelsea the opportunity to steal the top prize from the Red Devils. I've said it a thousand times before and I will say it again: that Arse-nil team are absolutely great, and I will not have a bad word said about them.
In the world of rugger, an intriguing Anglo-Irish Heineken European Cup final has been set up courtesy of victory by the Northampton Saints today against Perpignan.
Right, so we are now into May and elections beckon this Thursday with the Alternative Vote standing for election too.
The weather today has been a repeat of the sunshine that has visited these parts for virtually all of April. In fact I cannot recall when it last rained. After a prolonged period of unbroken sunshine, one can expect the moaners' brigade to desire some rainfall. Unfortunately, when the wet drops do return, they are liable to wreck a terrible vengeance throughout July and August. Ah yes, our weather has a will of its own, and all such exhortations for rain or more sun are liable to fall on deaf ears.
Taking advantage of some unseasonal heat, I abandoned the chore of emailing libraries hither and thither about my lovely books in favour of an evening of Christian fellowship at a friend's house. Amongst the festivities, we chanced our arms at a bizarre Scandinavian pastime called Kubb. Remarkably, yours truly proved to be a red-hot competitor, providing the winning coup de grace. This game involved throwing wooden sticks to knock over wooden blocks. It's so nice to know that I am skilled at accurately chucking bits of wood around. I must go and add this life skill to my curriculum vitae.
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to lots of folk today. And so to bed.
Monday May the 2nd
To quote Tony 'soundbite' Blair, “I can feel the hand of history” on this momentous day. The citizens of the United States of America have been rejoicing at the announcement by El Presidente that their bete noir, Osama Bin Laden, was shot dead when a contingent of American special forces stormed the bogeyman's compound in Pakistan and meted out summary justice. The septic tanks have typically celebrated in a rather silly way. Some have chanted that “Obama got Osama” while others have yelled “four more years”. Presumably the latter are cheerleaders hired by the Democrats.
On the one hand, one can state that you cannot begrudge the Americans this triumph almost ten years after the trauma of 9/11. However, I am entertaining the thought that Bin Laden was executed without a trial. Is this justice? Was he ever tried before a jury and convicted of the September the 11th atrocity? No. He was taken out on the premise that he was almost certainly guilty. Does this not set a dangerous precedent for the future? “Justice is done” claims Jesus Obama. Really? “The world is a safer place.” Are you serious? I hate to be a doom-merchant but American embassies in particular had better be on a red alert as Al Qaeda are unlikely to vanish after this obvious setback. Vengeance is a toy that the evil like to play with.
Uncle Sam is now under pressure to withdraw from their stay in Afghanistan, as critics are suggesting that their mission is complete. Far from it retorted a bullish Hilary Clinton. It also appears that the notorious Bin Laden was promptly dumped at sea. This spares Al Qaeda the expense of employing an undertaker but more importantly it robs the Islamic extremists of a pilgrimage site or shrine.
While the USA celebrates a job well done, in spite of a malfunctioning helicopter, the episode doesn't reflect well on Pakistan. Bin Laden resided 800 yards from an army base. Pakistan would win an Olympic gold for corruption.
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to 2 people today. And so to bed.
Tuesday May the 3rd
The fall-out continues in the aftermath of the execution of the world's most wanted man. One thing that I can console myself with is that as I am the world's most unwanted man, there is little likelihood that the Americans will land at my er 'compound' and storm my mansion any time soon.
Although the protestations of the Pakistani government that they genuinely knew nothing about the whereabouts of dear old Osama are actually credible, it is equally likely that some of their military or 'intelligence' personnel were in cahoots with Bin Laden. Therefore, the decision by the septic tanks to make their surprise incursion into Abottabad without being invited was a wise one. Alerting the Pakistan authorities of their mission would no doubt have resulted in someone in the Pakistan chain of command giving the notorious fugitive a tip-off. The Pakistanis were simply not to be trusted with the details of this 2011 equivalent of the raid on Entebbe, as there are clearly Jihad sympathisers who would have compromised the whole show. Whatever else comes out in the wash, one thing is abundantly clear, the Pakistan administration has been made to look ridiculously stupid with their failure to notice that the world's most infamous individual was living it up within their midst. I mean, did nobody ever spot him buying a pint of milk at the local shop. Do they have corner shops in Pakistan, or do Pakistanis just open corner shops in soft touch Britain?
Furthermore, I think that the Messiah, Barack Obama should have summoned Bill Clinton and George Dubya to the White House under strictest security and allowed the two previous incumbents the opportunity to watch their bete noir receiving his comeuppance. It would have been a generous gesture. In the event, Bin Laden was apparently unarmed. I cannot understand why he could not have been shot with a tranquillizer dart or shot in the leg. Maybe having Bin Laden in custody would have been a major encumbrance for the USA?
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to lots of folk today. And so to bed.
Wednesday May the 4th
As conflicting stories are proliferating about the nature of Osama Bin Laden's death, the predictable conspiracy theories are emerging. Was it really Bin Laden who was killed? Let's see the proof, the doubting Thomases are demanding. Funny how the queue of those desiring photographs of a dead Bin Laden is led by none other than the printed press. On the radio, the Daily Mirror's Kevin Maguire was one such journalist requesting photographic evidence. Well, I wanted photographic evidence that the man on the radio was indeed Kevin Maguire, while perhaps he might have wanted photographic proof that I was indeed listening to him on the radio. Oh children, please stop the nonsense before we degenerate into a 2011 version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch: “Oh he's not dead. He's just resting. He's pining for the fjords.” Having said that, I passed this geezer who was stacking shelves at the local supermarket and I could have sworn it was Bin Laden's twin. Oh come on folks, he's dead. Get over it and move on.
Apparently, the Alternative Vote campaign is struggling, if the latest polls are to be believed. Personally, I want some photographic evidence of these poll findings. Actually, I think that the vote on the subject of electoral reform should be conducted using the Alternative Vote. For example, if the Yes we want voting reform won 48% of the votes, and No let's keep first-past-the-post won 45% of the votes, and in last place came spoiled ballot papers with a measly seven per cent, then spoiled ballot papers would have to be eliminated and their second preferences would have to be re-distributed. Does that sound farcical? Well, so is the Alternative Vote. The votes for the eliminated last-placed candidate are re-distributed but the votes for the leading candidates are not re-distributed, so their second preferences are ignored. Does this sound fair? Only if you are mad or a member of the Liberal Democrats can this seem fair.
I must dash. Osama Bin Laden has just sent me an email.
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to lots of folk today. And so to bed.
Thursday May the 5th
After all the lovely weather of the last few weeks, polling day witnessed more damp weather instead. Perhaps the variety of elections themselves will prove to be a damp squib. The predictions suggest that the Scottish National Party will hold onto power in Scotland. In Northern Ireland, the fear amongst the red, white, and blue brigade is that Sinn Fein may emerge as the largest party and thus Field Marshal Martin McGuinness could be the next First Minister. I do look forward to the results tomorrow as I am a bit of an anorak when it comes to sports scores and other facts such as the number of seats won and lost.
As for the local elections in England, the Conservatives are expecting to take a bit of a hit, not least because the Labour Party are starting from such a low base, arising out of their bad performance the last time when they were previously in power. Ed Miliband will cling to these election successes to offset the failure of Labour to oust the SNP from power in Scotland.
With the Alternative Vote likely to return to oblivion, it will be interesting to see how the coalition government recovers from the spats that have dominated the heated debate about the need or otherwise for electoral reform. Paddy Ashdown has got rather cross at what he regards as an act of bad faith by David Cameron to campaign so vociferously for a No vote.
I didn't vote today. I object to Northern Ireland returning six MLAs in each constituency. This is a criminal waste of money. The system agreed in April 1998 has a lot to answer for.
Across the Atlantic Ocean, President Obama paid a visit to Ground Zero where he laid a wreath. He is riding high in the opinion polls after the extra-judicial execution of Osama Bin Laden. Some of his citizens are chanting 'USA, USA'. Flip me, you would think it was a game of ice hockey. Yes it is good to see Al Qaeda get its comeuppance, but presumably revenge is nigh and quite frankly, the USA loses the moral high ground when it forsakes trial by jury in favour of semi-legal murder.
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to 3 people today. And so to bed.
Friday May the 6th
Today is a day to bring the swingometer out of the attic and assess the toing and froing arising from the latest bout of national elections. First of all, poor old Alternative Vote was overwhelmingly snubbed in the referendum. This reflects badly on the Liberal Democrats. The consensus of opinion is that their campaign for this new voting system was a far from convincing one. To rub salt in their wounds, Britain's 'third' party were also slaughtered in the English local council elections. The Labour Party made inroads at local government level but they scarcely enjoyed sweeping gains. Furthermore, Ed Miliband had thrown his puny weight behind the AV Yes vote, so he has little to be smug about. In addition to this, the Labour Party narrowly failed to secure a majority in the next Welsh Assembly whilst north of Hadrian's Wall, Labour finished a distant second to the SNP. In fact, the Scottish Nationalist Party seized a total of 69 seats in the Scottish Assembly, thereby becoming the first party to enjoy a majority. There will be a renewed attempt to break away from big, bad England, but it remains to be seen whether the SNP's vote was exclusively a call for independence or more likely a thumbs down protest vote against a complacent Scottish Labour Party.
Meanwhile in Norn Iron, the process of counting the votes was scandalously slow. Some of the counting mishaps would not have been out of place in a sketch on Father Ted's Craggy Island. In one count, the table collapsed, scattering votes all over the place. In another locality, a hair dryer was requested to dry out some wet ballot papers. It's a darn good job that the turnout was pitifully low or the votes might never have been counted yet. The turnout has slipped to little beyond fifty per cent casting a vote. Is this a sign of contentment with the machinations and manoeuvrings of the political class? Surely not? More likely it's a damning indictment of a system that lacks an opposition party and produces a ludicrous coalition.
I received no texts; no 'phone calls; no visitors; and I spoke to no people today. And so to bed.
